Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are