Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Friends that check up on you >
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.