Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Kids, do not try this at home!

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.