Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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I am thick and tired. 🙄
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
🙅🏻
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)