Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Florida be like…
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”