Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Time heals everything 🙂

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

🙅🏻

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.