literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I wish I were this cool 😂
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**