literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I am yelling
Oceanography is all about current events
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.