Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would