literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!