Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Them: We鈥檝e made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you鈥檙e right. btw how鈥檚 that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If my kids invented a drink.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i鈥檓 definitely in the room
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I鈥檓 up $83.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn鈥檛 you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You鈥檙e doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
You鈥檇 be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.