Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
White Castle for the Win
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no