Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses