Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.