Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.