little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
