little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
