little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.