LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster