Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.