Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Autocorrect is my menesis
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t