Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.