Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.