Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out