Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Facebook memories be like

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”