Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

NOT all policemen are strippers.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”