Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
You Might Also Like
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Here to help
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe