Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
they split up moments later
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I WON A HAM TODAY
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.