Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Thoughts
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.