Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
