Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
This January has 47 Mondays
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be