Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Dumple
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.