Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.