Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.