@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

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@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@jakehightower34

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

@TheAndrewNadeau

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah youโ€™re a terrible person.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.