When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
You Might Also Like
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
If spiders ever figure out how to become ghosts, we’re screwed.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Wanna hear a word I just made up?