@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

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@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

@mjkspeaks

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

@BuckyIsotope

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

@jonnysun

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

@Gupton68

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?