Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?