Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job