Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water