Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*