Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Match(.com), but for socks.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.