Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird