Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
who did the taste test?
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong