Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
the last thing a carrot sees
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.