little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.