Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

ㅤ

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Y’all know who you are.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

These are so Plastic Man-core

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?