Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!