little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Cats (2019)
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.