Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.