Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?