Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

He died doing what he loved: being alive

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Good morning

2022 be like

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Safety first

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.