Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
THIS HEADLINE
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.