Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You Might Also Like
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Florida be like…
j o i m p
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.