Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

If a snake ate a cake

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will