little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
The most accurate map ever devised.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?