Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.