little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night