5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
“We need to talk”
*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway