Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit