Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
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They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
🤣
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?