Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“No way.” -Jose
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”