Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
You Might Also Like
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Support your local cemetery
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING