Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You Might Also Like
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on