Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
How does one answer this?
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town