Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.