Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

I’ve had worse

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.