Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support