Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

If only

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.