Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
i meant to share this earlier
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Huge, if true.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person