Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.