Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
🥴😂
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Happy Febuary everyone!
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?