Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
nature’s most graceful animal
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.