little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]