Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser