Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.