Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions