Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
(Jupiter –
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Meowchelangelo
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁