Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Um … Hot Wings please

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

The best plant holders?

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.