@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

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@adamgreattweet

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@DaddyJew

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

@mommajessiec

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@MomofTeen

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

@KimmyMonte

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture