Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
first you must answer his riddles
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand
But french fries, french fries understand you
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture