@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@InsouciantMan

Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@UnFitz

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@FrenulumBreve

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

@AimeeHelene1

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

@ZiziFothSi

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall