little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You Might Also Like
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I think I’ll stand
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I created you as mosquito food.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*