WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
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Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.
Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.
I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall